


trade mistakes.

by Rcmanov



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drinking Games, Feelings Realization, Huang Ren Jun is Whipped, Implied Harassment, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Minor Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Na Jaemin is Confusing, Party, Stream of Consciousness, i don't want to expose myself, not much thankfully, please don't try to guess where this takes place no one needs to know hgfhjdks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 13:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16577138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rcmanov/pseuds/Rcmanov
Summary: “Fate will play us out with a song of pure romance / Stomp your feet and clap your hands / Let's kill tonight, kill tonight / Show them all you're not the ordinary type”or Na Jaemin is a confusing thing threatening Renjun's fragile equilibrium of a life, but Renjun can't get the thought of the boy in the pink shirt off of his mind.





	trade mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> I made a playlist so you can listen to the songs while reading the fic, [listen to it here!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6RUg5Ox4FKIHKpvvkK4rXg)  
> I'd recommend to maybe give the songs' lyrics a look at least since they're linked to the story but you do you!

► School Uniforms – The Wombats

_“I always found it hard to work things through / Those school uniforms made a joke / Made a joke of me and you / I'm glad I'm not back in school”_

“I’m freeeeee! Worst experience of my fucking life!”

“Are you seriously going to say this after every damn lab?” Renjun asked as Hyuck threw himself next to him on the sofa, not bothering to lift his gaze from his laptop.

“It is my god-given right to be dramatic and I will use it”, the other boy replied before sitting up and putting his chin on Renjun’s shoulder to look at the screen. “What are you doing?”

Renjun tried to shrug him off but he knew better than to try to fight Hyuck’s clinginess.

“My lab report.”

“What? But you barely got out of the lab!” Donghyuck exclaimed with a pout.

“Well I’ll have to do it eventually anyway, and I had to do something while waiting since you were taking ages to complete it.”

“Okay, first of all, the lab assistant fucked up-”

“Sure Jan,” Renjun started before Donghyuck punched his arm.

“Anyway, let’s get out of here,” Donghyuck said while getting up and grabbing his backpack.

Renjun nodded, saved the Word document and closed his laptop. Lab reports were a pain to write, but at least he had got started on his, and he hopefully wouldn’t have to worry about finishing up 3 minutes before the due date (“It was ONE time!” “You and I both know it wasn’t, Hyuck.”). He packed his things, put his jacket on, and followed Donghyuck, who was already heading out of the hall where Renjun had been waiting, towards the exit.

They went out the door, and Renjun heard Hyuck curse the weather under his breath. It had got chillier, as October had started, but Renjun found the windy, cloudy weather more than acceptable. He spared Donghyuck a glance and laughed under his breath when he saw the other boy all bundled up, his nose barely peeking out of his scarf. Renjun's coat was still left open (he had categorically refused to even take it out of his wardrobe before the end of September, with little regard for that country's damned weather).

“I'm so done with Müller,” Hyuck declared.

“Hmmm?” Renjun hummed inquisitively.

“I'm so done with him as our lab teacher, the lab assistant messed up our experiment setup again and he said nothing.”

“I guess that's what happens when you hire neuroscience students to supervise organic chemistry labs,” Renjun shrugged. He and Donghyuck were in separate labs and he was pretty satisfied with his lab teacher and assistants. His partner (a girl called Mari) was also more than decent. The two of them at least understood what they were supposed to do during the experiments, and were rather complementary, as they could usually answer each other’s questions.

The same couldn’t be said of Donghyuck and his lab partner, who had already decided he was going to drop out at the end of the semester. And so Renjun endured Donghyuck’s complaints after each day they spent in the lab (which was fortunately only once a week if they were lucky).

They were walking through the campus, making their way towards the bus stop on the eastern side. There was also a bus stop on the western side, next to the lab building, but the buses there were few and packed. Renjun and Donghyuck usually chose to walk to the bigger stop, named after the hospital adjacent to the university’s main campus.

“Have you done the seminar questions?” Donghyuck suddenly asked as they carelessly crossed the usually deserted road allowing vehicles to circulate on campus.

“Of course not, I’ll do them tonight at 11pm as always,” Renjun answered. “To be honest, I’m more concerned about dinner, I have like… nothing edible in my fridge.”

He eyed Donghyuck for a second before adding quickly:

“And no, we’re not getting McDonald’s, I’m broke as hell and that shit gives you cancer, Hyuck. I’ll go do groceries like functional human beings do.”

Donghyuck pouted as they reached the bus stop. Renjun let him lead the discussion back to his complaining until their bus finally arrived. He mechanically validated his transport card, and they found a pair of seats at the back of the bus where they collapsed. Hyuck immediately turned to him as the bus left the stop.

“Don’t you think you should finally go to a party?”

Renjun almost choked.

“W-why are you asking so suddenly?”

“Well, you know, I want you to get the full uni experience, crazy parties and all.”

“Hyuck, this is an international program, people either rent rooms or live at their parents, no one can host a party-”

“Listen, there’s this Halloween party organised by the students’ union at the end of October, so there’s no excuse.”

Damn Hyuck and his involvement as their class representative, and biomedical section board member, and students’ union board member, and the students’ union LGBTQ+ organisation. Hyuck was already involved everywhere, while Renjun was leaning more towards a bare minimum that would still give him a few extra points on his exchange application score. He considered the idea for a moment, feeling Hyuck’s puppy eyes drilling holes into the side of his face.

“It’s not a costume party either,” Donghyuck added, making his tone even whinier. “Pretty please?”

Renjun turned to look at him. It _would_ be fun to go to a party. Probably.

“With a cherry on top?” Donghyuck begged, and Renjun wondered if his tone could get any cuter. He wasn’t keen on finding out just now.

He would never get Hyuck to let it go. It wasn’t a question of “if” he said yes, but a “when”. Lee Donghyuck had his way with people. Which was probably the reason why he was so good at all those students’ union stuff.

“I’ll- I’ll think about it okay?” Renjun resigned with a small sigh.

His lips perked up in a shy smile when he saw Hyuck’s wide grin. The bus finally reached their stop. Renjun got up to get off and looked back when he realised Hyuck wasn’t following him. He perked an eyebrow, and Donghyuck shook his head.

“I’ve got to go to the library, I borrowed some books and I’m late, I don’t want the fine to get any more expensive.”

Renjun nodded, got off the bus, and walked towards the entrance of the subway station that would finally take him home, further away from the heart of the city. Waiting on the platform, he pulled out his earphones, plugged them to his phone, opened Spotify and pressed play.

 

► Friday I’m in Love – The Cure

_“It's such a gorgeous sight / To see you in the middle of the night / You can never get enough / Enough of this stuff / It's Friday I'm in love”_

“Do you know who’s gonna be there?” Renjun asked, looking back at his reflection in the mirror.

Donghyuck was sprawled across Renjun’s double bed, dividing his attention between the other boy discussing his outfit for the party and something on his phone that suspiciously seemed to make him smile, and given how he typed every time his phone vibrated, Renjun was pretty sure he wasn’t just watching cute cat videos.

He quirked an eyebrow but let it slide, at least Donghyuck wasn’t clowning him (too much) since he was so busy being suspicious. He still hadn’t got an answer to his question.

“Hyuck.”

“Hmm?”

Hyuck lifted his head suddenly, letting go of his phone, after a quick glance that didn’t escape Renjun. His eyes were round and surprised, like a rabbit caught in a car’s headlights.

“I asked, d’you know who’s gonna be there. Tonight.” Renjun repeated, trying not to sound exasperated. He wasn’t, but he knew that was what he sounded like when he had to repeat himself.

“Oh, well, a lot of people from our year I think, upperclassmen and probably med and dentist students? And maybe some people from outside uni, but not too many.”

Renjun had wiggled his eyebrows looking at Donghyuck in the mirror when “upperclassmen” were mentioned, and Donghyuck purposely ignored him the best he could. They weren’t friends for nothing. Renjun looked at himself once more, his oversized hoodie, his tired jeans and sighed.

“What is it?” Donghyuck asked, inquisitive.

Renjun threw himself back onto the bed, deliberately aiming for Donghyuck, but the latter quickly dodged the attack and chuckled.

“You’re like 40kg, were you trying to crush me or something? Coz I think a bunch of feathers would have hurt more.”

Renjun punched him the arm.

“Stop that,” he whined, “I’m not that short.”

Hyuck pursed his lips in a disbelieving expression and Renjun gave him a second light punch. He knew he wasn’t tall, wasn’t broad, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t ready to fight about it any time.

“You’re not short. You’re _tiny_ , Junnie.”

“You’re one to talk–” he started to protest before he realised what Donghyuck had added, “Hyuck, I swear to god–”

They wrestled for a second on the double bed, Renjun trying to push Donghyuck off the edge, Donghyuck almost choking on his laughter, holding onto Renjun’s leg for dear life. They quickly fell back on the bed, breathless.

“I have nothing to wear,” Renjun confessed softly.

“You do,” Donghyuck comforted him, “You just have to put the right things together. It doesn’t have to be sophisticated or anything.”

He eyed Renjun before adding:

“But for the love of whatever you call holy, do _not_ wear a hoodie and jeans.”

Renjun pouted, despite the fact that he had had the exact same thought mere minutes before.

A few minutes later, Renjun was wearing a black, worn out, lined denim jacket with a drawstring hood attached on top of a plain black t-shirt and black jeans. He was thinking of wearing his regular combat boots (“Hoping it will make you look taller, shorty.” “No, I just want to make sure that it hurts when I kick your ass.,”). As Donghyuck had said, no need to be sophisticated. He mostly wanted to be comfy. The other boy had changed into a more extravagant outfit as usual, involving a burgundy velvet shirt, chains hanging off his belt, a choker, and makeup skills Renjun wouldn’t even dream of (he even allowed Donghyuck to do his eyeliner).

They had fallen back on the bed, Renjun scrolling on his phone while Hyuck was currently snuggling against him, but still careful as to not ruin his makeup. Renjun relished for a while in the warmth and serenity of the moment before a thought crept up his mind. He put his phone aside and turned to Donghyuck.

“So… are you gonna tell who’s making you smile at your phone like this or…?”

Renjun watched as the other boy’s eyes quickly shot open and his face turned crimson.

“W-what do you mean?” Donghyuck tried to act confused.

Renjun knew they both knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Who are you texting, dming, whatever?” Renjun wiggled his eyebrows, playful. Donghyuck looked mortified. “Is _he_ maybe part of the reason why you want to go to that party so bad, huh?”

Donghyuck hid his face in his hands, and Renjun knew he’d won.

“Does his name maayybe start with an M?”

Donghyuck nodded weakly.

“Does he send you, Lee Donghyuck, into gay panic every time he flirts?”

Nodding again.

“HA, I knew it.”

Renjun pulled Donghyuck into a tight hug, before releasing him. He sat up and sent an appreciative look to the other’s clothes.

“If you don’t get your boy tonight, Hyuck, then Mark Lee is an idiot.”

“I hope you get your boy too, Junnie.”

Renjun looked at Donghyuck for a moment, stunned. He fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He hated feelings, and most of all, he hated his own.

 

► Say Amen (Saturday Night) – Panic! At The Disco

_“Oh, it's Saturday night, yeah / I pray for the wicked on the weekend / Mama, can I get another amen?”_

The moment Renjun stepped into the students' union building, turned for once into a maze of dancing bodies and questionable smokes, he reflected on all the life choices that had led him to that situation. The music was so loud he could feel the bass echo through his body. Instinctively he reached for Donghyuck's hand, but instead, the other boy wrapped his arm around Renjun's thin figure and squeezed him against his side. Renjun turned his head towards Donghyuck and caught him grinning at him.

“You're gonna have fun,” he half-shouted so that Renjun would hear him over the music, “I promise.”

Renjun knew full well that Donghyuck would abandon him the second he found that 2nd year who had been tutoring them since the beginning of their biochemistry course. Although he'd refused to admit it (“He's a nerd. He's a med student.” “Hyuck we’re biomed students.” “Did I stutter?”), Renjun had seen the way Hyuck had acted around the 2nd year (Mark Lee, his brain helpfully supplied). And hadn't missed the way Mark had flirted with Hyuck the entire time, to Renjun's dismay.

He’d be lying if he said they didn’t look cute together. He had seen the look in Donghyuck’s eyes. He had planned on beating up Mark Lee if he ever hurt _his_ Donghyuck (or at least attempt to beat him up, to the best of his abilities). He leaned back into his friend and smiled.

“I’ll try then.”

The smile he got back was worth the trouble of this party, he thought. He was lucky to have the sun himself as a best friend, and Mark Lee would be a whole dumbass not to see it.

Pressed together, they made their way through the ocean of guests, looking for people they knew. Not even after a couple of minutes of wandering, they came across familiar faces.

“Sicheng!”

Letting go of Donghyuck’s hand, Renjun launched himself towards the older, taller boy, who thankfully reacted quick enough to grab him and hug him back, lifting him off the ground. After a second, he let Renjun go and smiled at him. Dong Sicheng was undeniably handsome, even Renjun could see that despite knowing him since forever, but also incredibly cute. His smiles had power over people, maybe even more so than Donghyuck’s. He was a med student in his 4th year, and he had been the one to push Renjun to follow his ambition and move abroad to study.

“Renjunie, you finally came to a party! Unbelievable!” Sicheng teased, earning a soft punch in the arm from Renjun.

Donghyuck had joined the circle as well, greeting everyone with the comfortable and easy-going confidence he had always possessed, as far as Renjun knew. Renjun quickly turned around and said hi to Sicheng’s friends. He knew some of them, Johnny had been a TA during one of their seminars, Doyoung a lab assistant a couple of times, and Yuta was Sicheng’s boyfriend (and Renjun regretted some of their encounters where he had a lost a bit of his innocence). The others introduced themselves, but he didn’t quite get their names over the music, nodded and smiled, knowing there would probably be other times. They all looked warmly at him and Donghyuck, even though they were just two 1st years just learning how to get around this new environment.

“Are you having fun?” one of the students Renjun didn’t know asked.

“We only just arrived,” Donghyuck replied, “But I’m sure we will,” he added, eyeing Renjun.

“Right,” Renjun said, a small smile on his lips.

He looked around him, and between the elusive moving figures, the blinking lights and the dancing shadows, he made eye contact with someone he half didn’t expect, half hoped would be present. The reason besides Donghyuck’s powerful pout for his presence tonight. He quickly averted his gaze, trying to focus again on the ongoing conversation, but the temptation was strong, the shine of the pink silk hypnotising. He hated the power the other had on him, this sort of magnetism that Renjun just couldn’t ignore. He couldn’t, because he had a desperate crush on him, and now he knew that Na Jaemin’s gaze was on him.

 

► Turn – The Wombats

_“I jump from thought to thought like a flea jumps to a light / You could give an aspirin the headache of its life”_

Renjun looked at the other boy across the room again and caught his stare. It was incredible how well this line embodied who Na Jaemin was. He was loud.

He was mysterious.

He was confusing.

He was a menace to Renjun’s fragile equilibrium of a life.

He was Renjun’s biggest “what if”.

He made Renjun’s head spin, and he was still unsure whether or not he liked the sensation in the pit of his stomach. He shook his head while trying to shake the feeling away, but the brown-haired boy remained on his mind, his gaze drilling holes in the side of Renjun’s face.

“I need a drink,” he shouted at Donghyuck, who had miraculously remained by his side instead of vanishing into the crowd.

“Oh boy, same” Donghyuck replied in his ear.

“Can’t find Mark?”

Hyuck nodded. Even distracted by Jaemin’s presence, he had noticed how Donghyuck was also scanning the crowd, clearly looking for something. Or in this case, someone.

“Can’t find Mark.” He smiled at Renjun. “Let’s find the bar, shall we?”

Finding the bar was easy. The queue to get drinks was pretty much the only place where people weren’t dancing.

“What kind of alcohol do you want?” Donghyuck asked, and before Renjun could answer, added, “Ethylene glycol? Methanol?”

“Haha, very funny, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not end up at the hospital or, you know, die.”

“If you’re dead you don’t have to repay your student loan,” Donghyuck shrugged with a smug grin on his face.

“I’ll take some ethanol, thank you very much.” He looked at the list if available drinks before adding “I’ll take a sea-breeze.”

Donghyuck looked at him with an appreciative glance.

“Someone’s feeling fancy tonight.”

“Well, we can’t all be basic like you and your cheap beers, you know.”

Truth was, Renjun just didn’t like the taste of beer, and so most of the little alcohol he drank was out of cocktails with sweet flavours that floated on his lips until the morning after. He had a low alcohol tolerance but unlike Donghyuck, he knew and respected his limits. There was something in the loss of control that alcohol consumption induced that made him uncomfortable. He needed to be able to think, needed to be able to react, or the anxiety kicked in.

Donghyuck leaned his head on Renjun’s shoulder, one of his little quirks when he was bored. The queue was long, the Halloween party being one of the first big parties on campus this semester. A lot of people were completely unknown to Renjun, but he wasn’t surprised. He only knew the people in his program, biomedicine, and they were mostly first years he went to class with. Their university was spread over 2 campuses on opposite sides of the city, a research centre and a university hospital. He didn’t know anyone in dentist, medicine, toxicology programs, let alone masters, except for Sicheng’s friends and a few teacher assistants. He observed his surroundings with a curious eye, taking in the indistinct chatter under the loud music, the flashing lights, and the never-ending flow of party-goers.

 

► Mr Brightside – The Killers

_“But it's just the price I pay / Destiny is calling me / Open up my eager eyes / Cause I'm Mr Brightside / I'm coming out of my cage / And I've been doing just fine”_

Once Donghyuck had paid for their drinks (“I’ll look for you once I’m thirsty again, so you can pay for my drink next” with a wink), they retreated to a (slightly) less crowded corner of the main room and cheered:

“To my son’s first party at university!” Donghyuck joked.

“I’m older than you, how am I your son,” Renjun protested, “You’re not even drunk yet and you already make no sense.”

“My dear Junnie, you should know by now that I’m the extrovert of our duo. It automatically makes me your legal guardian.”

Renjun cracked a smile before it turned into a full fit of laughter. Donghyuck wasn’t wrong. Renjun had always been the shy one, the introvert who needed time for himself otherwise he felt like punching people for breathing. When they were younger, talking to strangers had made him incredibly nervous, and Donghyuck had ordered for him at the restaurant, helped him make phone calls, was here when those situations had gone from undefeatable to uncomfortable.

“So…” Donghyuck let his voice trail. “Are you finally going to make a move on that secret someone you’re interested in but won’t tell me about?”

Renjun was suddenly immensely interested not in a someone but in the bottom of his drink and thanked whatever was out there looking out for him for keeping him from choking on his sweeter-than-sweet drink. He didn’t have to look at Donghyuck to know he sported a smug expression.

“I—I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Sure, Jan.”

“They’re not here tonight…” he turned to look at Donghyuck.

A smirk made his way across the other boy’s lips.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” he said mysteriously while gazing into the crowd, seemingly looking for someone, while his smirk only grew more obvious and taunting.

“Can you let me live _for once_?” Renjun whined.

He was about to turn around when he bumped into someone’s chest.

“Let who live?” asked an inquiring familiar voice.

Renjun took a step back, embarrassed by the way he had been pressed against the other’s chest, and lifted his gaze. He opened his mouth to answer, but Donghyuck was faster. He was suddenly by Renjun’s side, an arm around him, and happily exclaimed:

“Hi Mark! I didn’t know you were coming.”

Renjun would have scoffed if it hadn’t been for Donghyuck’s elbow _gently_ making contact with his ribs and chasing the air out of his lungs. Mark looked surprised, running a hand through his black hair. He was wearing a simple black tee-shirt and dark jeans (Renjun couldn’t quite make out the colour with the questionable light provided). Original.

“I wasn’t sure, to be honest,” Mark hesitated before continuing in an assured tone, “but you said you were coming.”

He accompanied his statement with a wink, and Renjun almost felt the heat rushing to Donghyuck’s face. He detached the other boy from him, slightly nudging him towards Mark.

“It’s nice that you found time to join us despite your approaching exams, Mark!” Renjun said cheerfully. “I need to use the bathroom… Here, Donghyuck said he was thirsty, maybe you can accompany him to the bar!”

He pushed Donghyuck even closer to Mark but didn’t miss the way the older boy’s gaze lingered on his friend’s outfit. If looks could kill, maybe Renjun would have worried about Donghyuck’s lethal stare, but now he just felt like he was doing god’s holy work.

“Jun-ah, I’m sure Mark would rather be with his friends than–”

“Aren’t you my friend, Hyuckie?” Mark interrupted in a whiny voice, a fake pout on his lips. “I lost Yukhei the second we stepped into the building anyway, come on.”

He grabbed Donghyuck’s arm, and gently lead him back towards the queue for the bar while waving at Renjun. Renjun mechanically waved back, suddenly isolated. He hadn’t completely lied when he had said that he needed to use the bathrooms.

 

► No. 1 Party Anthem – Arctic Monkeys

_“Drunken monologues, confused because / It's not like I'm falling in love I just want you to do me no good / And you look like you could”_

He was a light drinker and his head already felt a little dizzy when he tried to make his way through the sea of people. He bumped into a couple of classmates trying to remember where the bathrooms were located inside the building. He dodged the girl from his year he was almost certain had feelings for him. Cass was a nice girl and had thankfully been cooperative when they had had a group project in their previous course, but… Yeah. He was not in the mood to deal with her drunken compliments.

As Renjun made his way through the crowd, he felt less and less conscious of the rustling surrounding him. His thoughts were drowned by the pulse of the bass in his chest. The blinking strobe lights had gradually turned into bright neon lights wrestling the darkness of the night. When Renjun finally reached the bathrooms, his head was filled with stars made of artificial lights and melodies he’d heard a thousand times before, and yet the night felt young and new and anything was possible.

He pushed the door open and entered a new world. The blinding light of the white neon lights made the row of sinks and stalls a bleak sight, bringing out all the ugliness Renjun was desperately trying to forget. The immaculate white of the tiles covering the floor, walls, ceiling, everything, seemed strangely desolate and foreign under the supernatural cold glow lighting the room. He quickly assessed that he was the only living soul in the room.

“ _Call off the search for your soul or put it on hold again_ ”

After emerging from the stall, he walked towards a sink and washed his hands, before looking in the mirror. His reflection stared back at him, hair partly dishevelled, a slight glow on his cheeks thanks to the questionable mix of highlighter and sweat due to the warmth of the air. His hands found the side of the sink, grabbed at it, and attempted to keep him from shaking when he took a deep inhale. He felt like he was suffocating. Renjun focused on the music seeping through walls, on the sounds that felt more like a faint memory of the track than the song itself. The bathroom was a floating world parallel to the party and Renjun hated the lack of gravity he felt at this moment. He forced himself to calm his breathing, staring at the drain. He was fine. Just a little lost due to the alcohol slowly permeating his system.

“ _And it seems as though those lumps in your throat / That you just swallowed have got you going_ ”

Renjun swallowed, slowly let go of the sink, before running his hands under the cold water again. He was here. He could breathe. He would walk out of the empty room and have fun, without giving a second thought to all the things that threatened to invade his mind. He smiled at himself in the mirror, hoping he could convince himself that everything would be okay. He was allowed to feel nervous, he reminded himself. Renjun looked at himself one last time in the mirror, fixed his jacket, and opened the door back to Neverland.

The full swing of the party hit him right in the face as he left the floating world and stepped back into what felt like a dream world of wonders and secrets. Once again, Renjun marvelled at the way his senses seemed both heightened and dimmed by the party going on around him. His sight was a constellation of indistinct moving figures and dancing lights, and yet he captured small gestures that he would have missed if the setting had been even slightly different. A hand gently supporting a swaying friend, the blinding flash of a smile. The music made it impossible to hold a conversation, and yet he could have sworn he heard Yuta’s laughter echoing through the room, before someone screamed the lyrics to the current song, and someone else apologised for spilling their drinks on someone else, and Renjun’s head was spinning but it at least took his mind off and–

He had no idea where Donghyuck and Mark had disappeared. He couldn’t make out Mark, with his black hair, black outfit and cute mannerisms, or Donghyuck’s extravagant self, his outstanding copper hair and unmistakable voice. He grabbed his phone from his jacket’s pocket and unlocked it, before his fingers froze millimetres away from the screen. He knew Donghyuck wouldn’t be checking his phone. He knew Mark’s phone was probably on silent. Sicheng never answered, and Renjun didn’t have any of his friends’ numbers. He wasn’t panicking yet, but he could feel his hands getting restless, usually a sign of an upcoming unsettling emotion. He shook his head, and resumed:

oct 31, 23.48

hyuck where are you

Before sending a similar text to Mark. He stared at the message a few more second, before putting his phone back in his pocket. He could just find a spot to sit and scan the crowd. Renjun made his way through the crowd, and he felt as though it got thicker and thicker by the minute. It seemed that half of the university’s students had decided to make this October 31st unforgettable. He was about to squeeze between two groups of girls chatting on the edge of the dancefloor to go sit on one of the high chairs that lined the room’s walls when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey.”

Renjun didn’t recognise the masculine voice he was pretty sure had just addressed him. He turned towards the intruder, shrugging his hand off. He had to bend his neck once he faced the other boy, so his gaze would meet the other’s eyes. He mentally cursed his height once again, before also mentally raising an eyebrow. He had vague memories of the newcomer being a student in his year, whose name he had forgotten or maybe never learnt.

“… Hey?” he responded tentatively. He eyed the other’s clothes, the definition of what Donghyuck and he liked to mock as bland unseasoned chicken style, and rolled his eyes mentally. Most of the judging he did mentally as always. Huang Renjun was an impenetrable enigma, or this was the image he wanted to give off at least.

“I can’t help noticing that you’re alone,” the other declared, taking a step towards Renjun.

Renjun tried not to choke on the invasive smell of cologne, but made no comment, crossing his arms. He had no intention of paying attention to his classmate, but the other one apparently assumed that he was interesting enough for that.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

Renjun winced. No, he didn’t want a drink, especially not from someone whose name he didn’t know. His attitude was setting off a warning signal in Renjun’s head, advising him to find a way out of the uncomfortable situation. He looked down to fidget with his phone, unsurprisingly devoid of any answers to his previous texts. He sent another one to Donghyuck, asking him to call him as soon as possible. He mumbled a vague answer to the question he had left unanswered.

“Excuse me? I didn’t quite catch that?” The other boy had taken a step closer to Renjun, bending down so his head was closer to Renjun’s.

“I said no, you can’t. I don’t want a drink from you.” He took another step back.

“Oh, come on, I just want to be nice,” his classmate pleaded, honey in his voice.

And I just want you to fuck _off_ , Renjun thought, biting back the attack. The other had once again come closer to him. He was going to lose his mind.

“Has your mother not taught you that no means no? Go away.”

There it was. Renjun saw a flame light up in the other’s eyes, and he instantly knew he had made a mistake. _He_ would take it as a challenge. A quick glance around him informed him that no one he knew was in sight, or at least he couldn’t spot anyone through the veil of quiet panic. He almost pretended to see someone in the crowd, but the other grabbed his arm.

“Does the kitten have claws? It’s just a drink, come on.” His tone was predatory.

Renjun managed to shake off the other’s grip, and tried to put some distance between them both, while the other kept advancing. The calm he had attempted to bring back moments before had completely disappeared, replaced by his current feeling of helplessness.

“ _Come on, come on, come on / Before the moment's gone / Number one party anthem_ ”

The other, taller boy, was getting closer and closer, and there was only so much space for Renjun to walk back until he bumped into someone, given how full the room was. For a second he thought about stomping on the other’s feet, kicking him in the stomach with his knee, but he didn’t. He cursed himself. Huang Renjun was all talk and no bite, at least when it mattered, and he hated himself for it. His assailant kept invading his space and he felt himself panic, suffocate, unable to stand up for himself once and for all, merely attempting to slip out of the other’s grip each time. He was defenceless, and senseless. He shouldn’t have left Donghyuck and Mark in the first place.

His heart skipped a beat. He felt an arm sneak around his waist, and suddenly he was pressed against the side of someone taller, warmer. He looked up confused and was greeted by Jaemin’s eyes and unreadable expression. It quickly turned into a smile (not a real one, Renjun noticed. It never reached his eyes), as he exclaimed:

“Renjun-ah, I was wondering where you’d disappeared.” His voice was warm and comforting.

He turned his attention back to the other guy in front of them, his expression shifting back to stoic in an instant.

“He’s not interested.”

Renjun saw the other hesitate.

“Fuck. Off.” Jaemin added, his tone threatening and cold as he watched the other boy finally making the right choice and disappearing into the mass of the party’s guests.

Renjun looked up at Jaemin, dumb-founded.

Na Jaemin was a peculiar thing.

 

► The Outsider – Marina and the Diamonds

“ _Don't get on my bad side, I can work a gun / Hop into the backseat baby, I'll show you some fun_ ”

The first time Renjun saw Na Jaemin was on introduction day, their first day of university.

Usually a lonely day for international students. A kind of awkward day for everyone on an international campus. Everyone had to be civil to each other even though it was usually quite evident which people you would never befriend. With Donghyuck by his side, Renjun had tried his best to at least look friendly, had spotted the clique of ‘cool kids’ and avoided them as best as he could.

He hadn’t thought much of that taller boy in the corner, never initiating the conversation with people, but always prompt to smile and respond when other people came towards him. He had caught his name during the ice-breaking at the beginning of the day. It was somehow fitting, in an odd way. Renjun had thought that someone with such a warm, soft smile ought to be the owner of an equally soft name, whatever that meant.

Na Jaemin was charming.

“ _Just because you know my name / Doesn't mean you know my game_ ”

The first time Renjun noticed Na Jaemin was on the day he won the inter-university basketball competition.

Renjun has never been one for team sports, they made him feel awkward. Not that he couldn’t kick a ball, or dribble. But every time he messed up, he couldn’t shake the feeling of his teammates hating him for it. So he stuck to more individual activities like swimming, art, dance. He had actually helped Donghyuck create the university’s dance club, even though as usual Donghyuck was the most invested of the two, and Renjun had been a kind of moral support and diligent secretary.

This Friday night, Sicheng and Donghyuck had managed to convince Renjun to come to the weekly pub at the university’s bar. The place was crowded, the alcohol expensive and the music shitty, but at least his friends looked happy, and for a second he could forget how behind he was on organic chemistry because those reactions didn’t make any damn sense. He had been sipping on the questionable cocktail Sicheng had bought for him while mindlessly listening to Donghyuck and Yuta gossiping about their students’ council meetings when the music’s volume suddenly decreased, and the lights directed at the stage lit up.

“Good evening everyone!” greeted a girl Renjun recognised as the president of the event committee, a short 3rd year dentist student. “Just interrupting your evening to congratulate the winning team of this year’s national basketball tournament, our very own biomed team!”

She turned towards the side of the stage, seemingly inviting said players to come forward, as the room erupted in applause. The girl (her name is Sana, Renjun thought he remembered) stepped aside and Renjun raised an eyebrow. At the centre of the group of 7 people stood Na Jaemin, in all his glory, a bright smile on his lips and a heavy trophy in his hands. One of his teammates, a tall girl Renjun assumed was a 2nd or 3rd year, grabbed the microphone and thanked everyone on behalf of the team.

As they were about to leave the stage, and Renjun was about to turn back to his friends, he heard the girl from the events committee ask:

“A word from our star player?”

And an assured voice respond:

“I’m just happy I could be part of this adventure.” He started to answer, before he was dragged off the stage by some friends, loudly congratulating him. He flashed one last smile towards the audience, and Renjun’s heart skipped a beat, before shaking his head. This obviously wasn’t directed at him. They had never talked to each other.

Na Jaemin was untouchable.

“ _Spilt the milk at breakfast, hit me double hard / And I grinned at you softly 'cause I'm a fucking wild card_ ”

The first time Renjun talked to Na Jaemin was when they were paired up for a group project.

He hated group work, who didn’t. At least, he tried to comfort himself, his groupmate actually showed up to the lecture, unlike the boy Donghyuck had been assigned (“I’m going to file a complaint, Jun.” “Now you’re just being dramatic.” “He’s shady, he’ll probably let me do all the work. If I get murdered so he can steal my work, you won’t be able to say I didn’t warn you.” “…”).

“Hi, I’m Jaemin.”

Renjun lifted his head, and looked at the newcomer in their assigned study room. He had come early to try to make sense of their previous lecture before they had to begin working on their group project. This project was supposed to help them understand the material, but Renjun felt insecure about not mastering the subject before they started.

“I know,” Renjun smiled. “I’m Renjun.”

He looked as the other boy dropped his bag and collapsed in the chair across the table, before he looked back at Renjun and smirked:

“I know.”

Renjun felt a rush of heat to his cheeks and concealed it by dropping his head to read the assignment. They exchanged briefly to divide the research work between the two of them, and fell back into silence. Firstly because Renjun wanted to be done with the project as soon as possible, but he also felt too intimidated to talk first, looking at Jaemin’s closed expression. The other boy seemed incredibly focused on the screen of his laptop. As much as he tried to battle the idea, he felt as if Jaemin and him were from two different circles, too different to even think about interacting.

“Do you know which reference style we’re supposed to use?” Jaemin finally broke the silence.

“We can use whichever system we want, I was thinking that Vancouver would be the best choice?” Renjun hesitantly replied, relieved that Jaemin had been the first one to talk. The other boy nodded.

“Sounds good.”

The two hours went by, punctuated by a few brief exchanges. Renjun stole a few glances at his project partner, fascinated by his seemingly unbreakable focus, while he was distracted by a thousand thoughts at once. Jaemin suddenly looked up, and Renjun quickly averted his gaze back to his laptop.

“It’s getting dark outside, I think we should stop here for today,” Jaemin declared as he looked outside the window. Renjun followed his gaze and nodded when he saw the deep blue shade the sky had already taken.

“Sure, we’ve already done quite a lot I think.”

They both gathered their belongings, putting their coats back on. The weather was already starting to get chilly. Once he had made sure he hadn’t forgotten anything like his laptop charger (which had happened before), Renjun turned to the door as Jaemin was already heading out.

“Hey!” he started, bolder than he thought himself capable of, adding jokingly. “We’re finishing this next time, even if I have to lock us both inside the room.”

“Don't threaten me with a good time, Huang Renjun.” Jaemin said in a neutral voice, before winking and leaving the room without giving Renjun time to react.

He was dumb-founded, standing in the dark empty room, staring at the open door.

Na Jaemin was a confusing thing.

 

► Lethal Combination – The Wombats

_“We're a lethal combination, too lost for therapy / Guilty by association, I'll keep you close to me”_

Donghyuck made his way through the mass of people as Renjun stared at the spot where the boy in the pink silk shirt had disappeared into the crowd.

“There you are, we were wor- Renjun?” Donghyuck shook him gently. “Are you okay?”

Renjun blinked a few times, snapping out of it. He turned his face towards Donghyuck and was met with a worried expression. He smoothed the frown of his eyebrow and tried to drape his lips with the hint of a smile.

“I just saw your texts,” Donghyuck continued. “Junnie I’m sorry.”

Renjun waved his concerns away with a hand.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

He was everything but fine, but he didn’t need to worry Donghyuck with it. At least he wasn’t shaking anymore. He couldn’t make sense himself of what had just happened, his only certitude being that Jaemin was to thank. Donghyuck grabbed his hand and held it close to his face:

“I’m not letting go of you again.”

“Well I am, I don’t want to see you being gross with Mark.”

Donghyuck’s eyes grew wider and the dimmed lights made a poor job of concealing his blush. Donghyuck quickly regained his wits and gave Renjun a light punch in the arm.

“Speaking of Mark, come on, we’re gonna play Never Have I Ever,” the other boy declared.

Renjun raised an eyebrow at Donghyuck’s already coloured face:

“Haven’t you had enough already?”

“Just because you’re a lightweight doesn’t mean everyone is, you know.”

Renjun pursed his lips in a disbelieving pout but still let Donghyuck lead the way by half dragging him by the hand to make sure he wouldn’t get lost in the flow. They left the main room and climbed two sets of stairs to enter a smaller, cosier room, where the faint echo of the music downstairs gave Renjun the same sensation as in the bathroom earlier. Time was suspended. His eyes got accustomed to the darkness again, and he finally could make out a few groups of people chatting, but most important, he recognised Mark Lee sitting on the floor with other people. The boy waved at them enthusiastically.

“You’re here, great! Now we can start.” He gestured for them to sit in the empty spot next to him. Donghyuck collapsed on the floor to Mark’s right, while Renjun carefully sat down next to him, his head still spinning a little from his earlier drink. He accepted the cup Mark handed to him, smelling the faint smell of vodka underneath the sugary scent of soda. When he looked up again, Na Jaemin was gazing in his direction, sat opposite him in the circle. How big of a coincidence could that be. (“Coincidence? I think not.” “Hyuck can you not quote the Incredibles every time I say the word coincidence.”) Renjun quickly averted his gaze, making a point not to make things awkward (or at least, not make them more awkward than they were) between them, and didn’t miss the way Mark had closed the distance between him and Donghyuck.

The round started somewhere to Renjun’s right, with regular, generic questions. Yes, he had drunk texted people. One finger down, one gulp of his questionable drink. No, he had never eaten fries that had fallen on the ground in a parking lot, but he felt that there was a story behind this one, given the protests he heard. Yes, he had called a teacher mum or dad once, and the rush of embarrassment came right back to his face as the memory resurfaced. One finger down, one gulp of alcohol.

“I’m going to black out before the end of the game,” someone complained. “This is unfair!”

“ _If you remember this tomorrow, then you’re doing it wrong._ ” Jaemin teased, playfully.

This smile, Renjun thought, this smile was a thing of tales and legends. For a split second, he was embarrassed at his own thought, before giving up. He couldn’t lie to himself for much longer. He had feelings. When his turn finally came, Renjun only thought for a second before declaring with a smirk painted on his lips:

“Never have I ever… cried watching Inception.”

“I can’t believe you just did that to me, Huang Renjun, I _trusted_ you.” Donghyuck dramatically complained, being the only one reaching for his cup. “I see how it is.”

He put his cup down, before looking at Renjun from the corner of his eye. He definitely was up to something.

“Never have I ever had a crush on someone in our class.”

Renjun froze and made a mental note to kick Donghyuck’s ass as soon as possible once the party was over, before reaching for his cup, eyes glued to the floor. He lifted his head to take a sip, peeking through his half-closed lid and almost choked on the liquid. Jaemin was also drinking, with only 1 finger remaining. Once again, Renjun was thankful for the dimmed light that he hoped concealed the crimson of his cheeks. Maybe he was delusional. He probably was. He half-listened to Mark’s prompt, lost in a spiralling of thoughts. He thought the other had been looking at him while taking a sip of his drink as a punishment, but it probably had been a trick of the lights. It had to. More people took their turn. He didn’t know. All he knew was the heat in his cheeks and the loud thumping of his heart in his chest.

“Never have I ever kissed anyone.”

Someone dramatically complained, sign that they had lost, and this round of the game was over. Renjun mechanically drank, on auto-pilot, before realising who had spoken. He dared a glance upwards and sure enough _he_ was looking at him. He was. His palms were sweaty, and Renjun tried to convince himself that it was due to his wearing a jacket inside, but he knew that it was a lie.

“Let’s play another round!” Mark exclaimed. If there had been room between him and Donghyuck at the beginning of the game, it was now long gone.

Renjun shook his head, standing up, swaying slightly. “I’m done here.”

“Yeah, without me,” Jaemin said, motioning to get up as well.

Renjun located the large French windows leading to what he hoped was the roof. He needed some fresh air, he needed to clear his mind, and he hoped that the biting cold of this end of October would blow away the chaos in his head.

“Hey.”

He heard the word, more of a whisper than anything drowned by the ambient noise, before he felt the hand lightly tugging at his sleeve. Renjun knew who the voice belonged to and he braced himself before turning around and meeting Na Jaemin’s eyes.

 

► Trade Mistakes – Panic! At the Disco

“ _Placing a smile at the perfect event, / Gracing your skin with the side of my hand / If I ever leave I could learn to miss you_ ”

“So Donghyuck cried watching Inception?”

Renjun was taken aback, before the hint of a smile made its way to his lips. What kind of conversation starter was that.

“He cries at the end, when Cobb has to abandon the memory of his wife, and when Fischer reconciles with his father,” Renjun explained, conscious of the fact that he was deliberately damaging Donghyuck’s seemingly cool image. “To be fair, he cries watching most movies. I’ll let you imagine in what state he is watching Up.”

Jaemin chuckled, and Renjun restrained himself from cooing. Would it be weird to admit he wanted to hear that over and over again? A few days, heck, maybe a few hours before, he would have been horrified. But there, looking at Jaemin a few centimetres away from him, he realised that there was no use struggling. His feelings were there, and if he was getting rejected, it might as well be this night.

“I’m the same,” Jaemin answered, and his voice sounded so genuine and bare. “I cry every time I watch 10 Things I Hate About You.”

“Oh my god, you’ve seen it?”

“What do you mean, it’s the most iconic movie of the second half of the twentieth century.” Jaemin jokingly replied, his eyes forming two crescents as his smile widened.

“Congratulations on winning the basketball tournament, by the way. I didn’t know you played.”

Jaemin had the decency to look embarrassed, a shy smile on his lips while he ran a hand through his hair while he replied:

“I played for seven years until I started high school, but I had to stop to focus on my studies in my bilingual program. So it feels good to play again and find out I didn’t forget too much.”

When Na Jaemin talked about himself, he was offering a piece of something hidden beneath the surface, exposing his heart and in that instant Renjun wish he could be this effortlessly genuine, show as many emotions in so few words.

They remained silent for a few seconds. Renjun’s eyes were drawn to the thulian pink of the silk shirt the other boy was wearing, reflecting the ever-changing light of the room. He tried to ignore how shiny and soft Jaemin’s golden brown hair looked, tried to ignore how the other was slightly taller, broader, which Renjun guessed came from training with their university’s basketball team. And just like that, Renjun’s mind was a mess again, of spiralling thoughts, of overwhelming sensations, just because of one boy.

Jaemin broke the silence.

“I didn’t know you came to those parties.”

Renjun heard the tremors in his voice and wondered what made him so nervous. If anything, Renjun should have been the nervous one. Was the nervous one. He started to fidget with the sleeves of his slightly too large jacket, before looking back into Jaemin’s eyes.

“It’s my first one, actually,” he answered shyly.

“Oh.” Jaemin sounded surprised. “Do you like it so far?”

“It had its ups and downs, I guess.”

Renjun hoped that the other boy would understand what he meant. He still had a lot of improvements to make in the communication department.

“I’m sorry about that by the way,” Jaemin said as he leaned closer to talk into Renjun’s ear, making sure he could be heard above the music. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Renjun nodded shyly. He hadn’t minded. Actually, he had a feeling he would feel grateful for the other’s gesture for a long time. His scent of cologne, alcohol, smoke and sweat was overwhelming in a way Renjun found inexplicably pleasant. It must have been his intoxicated brain, he tried to convince himself. The other boy continued:

“You just looked like you needed saving.”

“Maybe I did.”

Bold. He was still swaying a little, and mechanically grabbed at Jaemin’s forearm for balance. Bolder. He shouldn’t have drunk a single drop of alcohol, but here he was. Maybe tomorrow would be a time to regret, but right now he almost didn’t care and now was his chance.

“I- Do you want to get some fresh air?” Renjun asked after a moment, his voice uncertain.

Once again, he hoped that Jaemin would catch on all the words he didn’t say out loud, all the words he just left floating in the air. Jaemin nodded. Renjun shifted slightly, releasing his forearm to grab his hand and led him through the crowd to the door that opened on the balcony on the roof.

As soon as Renjun stepped out, he was hit by the full force of the evening wind. It made him feel alive. His obscured senses seemed to clear a little, and he could finally breathe. They walked until they were both pressed against the railing on the edge of the roof, the metal bars the only thing between them and a deadly fall of several metres (and god knew this perspective could seem attractive at times). The echoing sirens in the distance reminded Renjun for a while that life continued beyond the walls of the building, beyond the rustling of the party. The beat of his heart seemed to slowly even out, even though it sometimes raced a little when he remembered who was standing next to him, almost pressed to his side. He had let go of Jaemin’s hand, yet he could still feel the warmth of the contact in his own palm.

This was the effect Na Jaemin had on him.

They stood on the rooftop terrace for what felt like a long time, taking in the lights of the city, while the music kept playing inside for the ballet of bodies swirling around in an unending fever of promiscuity. Jaemin was humming along to the song Renjun wasn’t sure he knew until he caught the other singing the chorus.

“ _I may never sleep tonight / As long as you’re still burning bright / If I could trade mistakes for sheep / Count me away before you sleep_ ”

“You’ve got a nice voice,” Renjun suddenly said.

He immediately felt a rush of heat flowing to his cheeks and hoped that the furious crimson would be concealed by the shadows dancing on both of them. Jaemin remained silent for a moment, seemingly focused on the cloud of mist each of his breath caused.

“Th-thanks I guess.”

His voice didn't feel quite right, quite like the Jaemin Renjun knew. It was no longer confident and audacious, he was no longer king of the clouds and knight in a shiny suit of armour, he was a wanderer of the unspoken truths that lay behind the bold front that was Na Jaemin. He turned his gaze back to Renjun for a second, and the expression in his eyes changed again. Awe. Then was replaced by something else that Renjun couldn't, wouldn't name. And finally, only one thing remained after the secret battle obviously taking place in the maze of a boy standing a few centimetres away from Renjun. Determination.

 

► Suck It and See – Arctic Monkeys

“ _I poured my aching heart into a pop song / I couldn't get the hang of poetry_ ”

“I couldn’t stand it.”

Renjun looked at him perplexed, but silent as he felt that the other had more to say.

“I saw the way he looked at you, the way he made you feel. And I couldn’t stand it. So yeah, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m not sorry for doing what I did.”

“Thanks.” Renjun whispered. “Thanks,” he repeated, louder this time, “you have no idea what this meant to me.”

He looked down, caught himself playing with the edge of Jaemin’s silk sleeve, before he looked back above his shoulder, looking at the agitation inside the room. The party felt so far already. He wondered how Donghyuck was doing. If Sicheng and his friends had left already to go to a club downtown. He wondered how the world kept spinning when he was trapped in this instant. Finally, he looked back at Jaemin and added:

“I usually- I usually find something to say back, you know? And I felt so stupid, paralysed in front of him when I shouldn’t have given him any attention and walked away?”

“It happens to everyone, Renjun.”

And the way he had pronounced his name sent flutters to Renjun’s stomach, the manner in which he had slightly let the second syllable drag on, how he had said it so _carefully_ , as if it were precious and he couldn’t let himself say it with anything but kindness. He continued:

“We’re not machines. Sometimes, the heart and the mind have their own ways.”

Renjun nodded. More than once he had felt that way, his heart and his mind tugging in different, opposite directions. His heart would tell him to run away but his mind would freeze or shackle his limbs to the ground or he would find himself doing the opposite of a safe choice or all of those at once. And he hated every second of this loss of control but in truth, there was nothing for him to do. He thought he had overcome it. For all those sad times where he had wanted to stand up for himself in middle school and never could, he thought he had left all of that in the past when he found his confidence in high school. A pipedream. He had to learn how to let go. And he should be able to, rejection taught you how to reject but he had just always been bad at walking away.

“People like him… they have no business making others feel afraid.” Jaemin added, with an angry edge to his voice. “Feel like they want to disappear.”

Renjun saw Jaemin clench his fists. In that instant he felt bold, in that instant time was suspended between the both of them and nothing was stopping him from laying an appeasing palm on Jaemin’s hand.

“I’m fine now. Thanks to you,” he said, offering the other a smile, hoping to soothe him.

Jaemin looked back him, the breeze still playing in his hair. His face was bathed in shadows, his eyes two dark wells Renjun could have got lost into.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” he whispered, before he seemed to realise what had escaped his lips. He quickly turned back towards the distant lights of the city.

He let the words dance through the air. The wind blew against their faces harder, colder, a harsh reminder of the winter to come and the summer to forget. That this country was not a place for those who dreamt of the sun in winter and of the snow in summer, but that it could offer beauty to those who would accept to look. Renjun looked and looked around but he kept going back to that boy with a heart and soul as mysterious and unknowable as the mist enveloping the city every morning.

“ _Suck it and see, you never know / Sit next to me before I go […] / Be cruel to me 'cause I'm a fool for you_ ”

“Appreciating the view?”

The butterflies in Renjun’s stomach suddenly came back to life. And just like that, the mood shifted. A whirlwind of a boy for sure. Shakespeare was right all along, Renjun thought thinking back to his literature classes. ‘One foot on sea and one on shore / To one thing constant never.’

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Jaemin added, fully turning to him, a smirk on his face. Gone was the worry and hesitation of just moments earlier. As if now that he had let his guard down, Jaemin felt the need to balance the vulnerability he had shown with his more usual cheekiness.

“Are you getting bold because you feel like you might have a chance with me now?” Renjun replied. Two could play at being confident, he thought as he felt his wits coming back to him. Jaemin really brought out the most unexpected parts of him.

“Hmm, I don’t know, you tell me.” Jaemin said, shifting so that he was no longer balanced against the railing, facing Renjun whose back was still to the balcony. He took a step forward and Renjun was reminded of that other guy earlier. But this time, Renjun yearned for Jaemin to get closer and closer still. Their faces were dangerously close when Jaemin asked:

“Do I have a chance with you?”

“Shut up.”

Renjun tried to look away, embarrassed, but Jaemin gently grabbed his chin, and turned Renjun’s face towards him once more. He looked right into the smaller boy’s eyes, and an insolent smile crept on his lips.

“Make me.”

Renjun was painfully aware of how close their faces were, he could feel Jaemin’s warm breath against his face. Behind him, the fence of the balcony prevented any attempt of escape that the part of Renjun’s brain responsible for the “freeze, fight, flight” response was considering. He considered his options once more, his gaze drawn to Jaemin’s lips. Maybe he didn’t want to flee. With the way Jaemin had come closer to him, their lips were mere centimetres apart, the only thing between them the hesitation and the anticipation hanging in the air. What was a kiss without a kiss?

Renjun’s hand confidently went to the nape of Jaemin’s neck and in an instant, he was pulling the other boy closer until there was no distance separating them anymore.

“ _You have got that face that just says / ‘Baby, I was made to break your heart’_ ”

The music had grown fainter and fainter, and the only remaining audible sound was the erratic thumping of Renjun’s heart echoing in his ears. His senses were overwhelmed by the influx of sensations, he was there and he was not, and he wasn’t completely sure he could trust his mind.

The only thing he was certain of was how Jaemin’s hands were travelling to his waist, how he had kissed back and didn’t seem like he was planning on letting go anytime soon. He ran his hand through Jaemin’s hair, something he hadn’t dared dreaming of, and let the touch linger, taking in the softness against his fingers. He was acutely aware of the small system the two of them were forming, but nothing else existed beyond the railing pressing into his back and the lights dancing across his closed eyelids. His world could be reduced to the feeling of Jaemin’s lips against his, to the way the contact turned him inside and out and how quickly he had irremediably fallen down the rabbit hole without hesitation. Jaemin smelt of cologne and sweat and heartbreaks and it was all at once the most peculiar and the most natural scent in the world and he just wanted to keep breathing it. Actually, he just wanted to breathe. Slowly, he let his hand slip from the back of Jaemin’s neck to his chest, pushing him back gently until their lips separated and they were both left panting, a thin breath of air and tension the only thing between them.

Renjun emitted a small “Oh dear”. He was breathless, but he knew deep down that part of the crimson on his cheeks was due to his surprise at his own instant of boldness. He had kissed Na Jaemin.

How could this be happening? Had he landed in one of his embarrassingly romantic fantasies?

“So you just go around kissing strangers?” Jaemin teased, his smug grin back on his face.

Renjun gave up arguing that they were technically not strangers.

“And you just go around kissing them back?”

“That’s a valid point.”

Renjun shrugged, dismissive.

“Maybe I like the thrill of it. Maybe you should try it for yourself.”

“Maybe I should.”

Jaemin leaned closer once more, his cold hands tracing the contour of Renjun’s jaw, and suddenly there was no more distance between them, and even then, they both tried to close it. Jaemin’s lips were back on his, and Renjun felt his mind going blank again, his hands pressed against the other boy’s back. He wanted to stay in this instant forever, beg time to suspend its race for a little while, pray for his memory to never dull those instants so he could cherish them again. He wanted to remember the way Jaemin’s hands were tracing his body and how the wind was messing with his hair, sending it tickling Jaemin’s face, and how they were dancing a dance no one remembered inventing. Nothing was real, and everything felt terribly right at the same time. Time didn’t stop its course for anyone but for a little while this moment was timeless, and they were the sum of all the lovers who had come before them, and all the ones to come. He was right where he was supposed to be, and never would something feel as right as it did right now.

Jaemin smiled into the kiss and maybe in that instant Renjun was a little in love with him.

 

_Two Slow Dancers – Mitski_

_“It would be a hundred times easier / If we were young again”_

_They’re both swaying to the slow melody of the song, the notes lazily rolling off them as drops of rain on water lilies, feeling like the only couple on the dancefloor. Maybe they are. Maybe they’re surrounded by dozens of other lovers. Right now Donghyuck doesn’t care as he stands there, his head resting on top of Mark’s shoulder._

_“Thanks.” He whispers._

_“For what?”_

_There’s a long silence, as if Donghyuck simply doesn’t know the answer to the question. The music keeps playing. The party has died down by now, only a few remaining in the main room. The now muted conversations are drowned out by Donghyuck’s breathing and Mark’s quiet humming._

_“Nothing.”_

_“You’re welcome.”_

_Mark kisses Donghyuck’s hair, breathing in the soft scent of coconut and vanilla and hope. He lets his hand wander down the other’s back, taking in the softness of the velvet under the tip of his fingers. He indulges in the false privacy of the moment, in the genuine intimacy. Not believing he can feel the prettiest boy’s heartbeat pressed against his chest, knowing he’s the reason for his blush._

_Thinking, over and over again, how he’ll have to live with the fact that Donghyuck was the one to initiate the kiss._

_“We’re just two slow dancers, last ones out”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> hey!! i'm back with a new renmin fic and i swear i wasn't planning on making this 11k+ words but here we are. it took me so long to finish i'm sorry but organic chemistry and i have a very difficult relationship so i had to study for my own degree as well haha  
> [buy me a coffee!](http://ko-fi.com/rcmanov)  
> once again, the title is taken from trade mistakes by panic! at the disco but you might have guessed that yourself since the song is in the fic lmao  
> you can follow me crying about nct and writing on twitter at [@kygotseven](http://twitter.com/kygotseven)
> 
> remember, kudos and comments keep writers alive, and see you next time!! i have a new project in sight but uni is killing me so it might take a while.


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